Slut Appreciation Day

This is the third night this week I’ve woken up in the middle of the night—naked and humping my bed. I can’t recall dreaming about sex. I’m just going crazy.

I give myself about three weeks before the forces that drive me to procreate drive me to insanity instead.

I curse evolution for making females feel like sluts for having sex for pleasure. This negative feeling used to serve a purpose, back when it was crucial for a female to select a male who would stick with her and help provide for their child. Now we have contraception. Ignoring other factors like disease, there’s no reason for her to feel dirty about having a lot of sex. That’s just nature fucking with her mind.

Sluts are great. They enjoy sex, they’re unafraid of men, they’re powerful. They have more fun.

But whores have driven evolution—they’ve made the human species what it is. Whores are different from sluts: they will have sex with a man, but only if he pays. They feel slutty if he just pays in cash, so they accept indirect payment in the form of dinner, gifts, and compliments. (Female primates do this too; they have sex with males who bring them meat, or they mate with a high-ranking male to increase their offspring’s social ranking.) This has been the most successful survive-and-procreate strategy for females for generations.

Whores invented the word “slut” to make the females who have sex for pleasure (rather than other benefits) feel bad. Whores hate sluts because sluts have gone over to the enemy; they give men for free what whores demand payment for. Whores have to keep the sluts at bay, or the males won’t pay the whores anymore.

Perhaps this is the way it needs to be if we’re going to survive as a species. Maybe. But in any case, we should all take a moment to make sluts feel appreciated.

This is the worst thing I’ve ever written.

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